Joke Thread

[Shazammm]

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:


Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

CS: "What sort of trouble?"

C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

CS: "Went away?"

C: "They disappeared."

CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

C: "Nothing."

CS: "Nothing?"

C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

C: "How do I tell?"

CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

C: "What's a monitor?"

CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

C: "I don't know."

CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

C: "Yes, I think so."

CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

C: ".......Yes, it is."

CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

C: "No."

CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

C: ".......Okay, here it is."

CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

C: "No."

CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

CS: "Dark?"

C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

C: "I can't."

CS: "No? Why not?"

C: "Because there's a power outage."

CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[Child of Immanuel]

LOL!

[twyrch]

My friend sent me this list. It is actual sayings of what bosses have
written in their evaluations of their employees.


1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely
a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot
was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

[Shazammm]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's

morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several

residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to

maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused

George, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his pickup truck

parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to

George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was

doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just walked

away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.  ..  Later that

evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's

house.......and left it there all night.

[twyrch]

Shazammm said:

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's

morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several

residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to

maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused

George, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his pickup truck

parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to

George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was

doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just walked

away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.  ..  Later that

evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's

house.......and left it there all night.

That's awesome!!!! hehehe

[twyrch]

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x8'cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends on the phone.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are OCCASIONALLY wardens who are sadistic. At work we ALWAYS have managers.

[Shazammm]

good one, man

[twyrch]

Shazammm said:

good one, man

I have a ton of jokes... One of the reasons Wizz got so upset at me on TB before you joined....

[twyrch]

OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS

WOMEN:
1.      Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2.      Drink a cup of coffee.
3.      15 minutes later, write a check for $20 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MEN:
1.      Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

2.      Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3.      Open a beer and drink it.
4.      Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5.      Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6.      In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7.      Place drain pan under engine.
8.      Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9.      Give up and use crescent wrench.
10.     Unscrew drain plug.
11.     Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12.     Clean up.
13.     Have another beer while oil is draining.
14.     Look for oil filter wrench.
15.     Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16.     Beer.
17.     Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
18.     Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19.     Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20.     Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21.     Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22.     Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23.     Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24.     Remember drain plug from step 11.
25.     Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26.     Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27.     Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28.     Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29.     Begin cussing fit.
30.     Throw wrench.
31.     Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992.
32.     Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33.     Beer.
34.     Beer.
35.     Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36.     Beer.
37.     Lower car from jack stands.
38.     Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39.     Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40.     Drive car

[Child of Immanuel]

story.news.yahoo.com/news?tm...lifestylejordan

Budding Jordan cyber love ends in divorce
Sun Feb 6, 3:59 PM ET Offbeat - AFP


AMMAN (AFP) - A budding romance between a Jordanian man and woman turned into an ugly public divorce when the couple found out that they were in fact man and wife, state media reported.


Separated for several months, boredom and chance briefly re-united Bakr Melhem and his wife Sanaa in an Internet chat room, the official Petra news agency said.

Bakr, who passed himself off as Adnan, fell head over heels for Sanaa, who signed off as Jamila (beautiful) and described herself as a cultured, unmarried woman -- a devout Muslim whose hobby was reading, Petra said.

Cyber love blossomed between the pair for three months and soon they were making wedding plans. To pledge their troth in person, they agreed to meet in the flesh near a bus depot in the town of Zarqa, northeast of Amman.

The shock of finding out their true identities was too much for the pair.

Upon seeing Sanaa-alias-Jamila, Bakr-alias-Adnan turned white and screamed at the top of his lungs: "You are divorced, divorced, divorced" -- the traditional manner of officially ending a marriage in Islam.

"You are a liar," Sanaa retorted before fainting, the agency said.

[Lady Bookwyrm]

Renee DesCartes walks into a bar. The bartender is very honored to have such a distinguished customer, and asks, "May I get you a drink, sir?"

"I think not..." says the philosopher...and he disappears!

[Child of Immanuel]

Instructions on how to clean your toilet:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

*****************

How to give a cat a pill...

Ever wanted to know how to give a cat a pill?

1. Gently but firmly pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of you left arm as though you were holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. When the cat opens his mouth, pop the pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind the sofa and repeat the process.

3. Retrieve the cat from the bedroom and throw away the soggy pill.

4. Get second pill, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut and count to ten, if you can. Hold the cat's mouth closed as well.

5. Retrieve pill from the goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call for help.

6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between you knees immobilising both the front and rear paws. Ask someone else to hold cat's head with one hand while forcing ruler into cat's mouth. Flick pill down the ruler and rub the cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from top of curtains.

8. Carefully sweep shattered vase from floor and set aside for gluing. Get third pill.

9. Wrap cat in large beach towel and ask another friend to lie prone on cat, with cat's head visible under armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube (which you've already made for this purpose). Force cat's mouth open and blow.

10. Check label to ensure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to helper's forearm and remove bloodstain from carpet.

11. Retrieve cat from neighbour's roof.

12. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

13. Dial 999 amd ask Fire Department to retreive cat from tree.

14. Get the last remaining pill.

15. Tie cat's paws together with twine. Put on heavy-duty gardening gloves. Force cat's mouth open and drop pill in, followed by half a pint water down cat's throat and a tumbler of whisky down your own!

16. Ask friend to drive you to hospital. Sit quietly while doctor administers anaesthetic, stitches fingers and removes remnants of pill from eye.

17. Drop cat off along with donation, at the animal shelter, adopt a goldfish

************************

How to Photograph a New Puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash, brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside, put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
16. Clean up mess.
17. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" soon.

[twyrch]

LOL! Those were great!

[twyrch]

Hallmark Card You'll Never See

 "Congratulations on your wedding day!  Too bad no one
 likes your wife."
 
 "How could two people as beautiful you have such an
 ugly baby?"
 
 "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.  After having met you, I've changed my mind."
 
 "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.  I never
 believed in Hell till I met you."
 
 "Looking back over the years that we've been together,
 I can't help but  wonder:  What the freak was I thinking?"
 
 "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
 
 "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
 
 "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.  Like the need for therapy..."
 
 "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!  I never knew what
 evil was before this!"
 
 "Congratulations on your promotion.  Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back.  You'll probably need it again."
 
 "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
 
 "Happy Birthday!  You look great for your age...
 Almost Lifelike!
 
 "Congratulations on getting Married!  It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
 
 "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so dang ugly."
 
 "Sex with you is like using drugs.  Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
 
 "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
 
 "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
 
 "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
 
 "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
 
 "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.  Did you ever find out who the father was?"
 
 "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking
 ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
 
 "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--so we're having you put to sleep."
 
 "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"

[Shazammm]

twyrch said:

Hallmark Card You'll Never See

 "Congratulations on your wedding day!  Too bad no one
 likes your wife."
 

oh, man.....i definitely need that one for my brother when he gets married....no one can stand his gf.