Joke Thread

[Lady Bookwyrm]

Child said:

This is getting a little too risque for my taste.

Sorry...didn't mean to offend anyone. And ***? This thing puts "girl thingy" in? Oh well...I think you all got the general idea of the punch line, lol

I'll try to tag my "dirty" jokes in the future so you will know if they might offend you.

[twyrch]

FantasyFan said:

You and me both, COI. I guess we should stay away from this thread. ;D

Well, to each their own I guess.... We don't mean to offend with our jokes. We censor them as best as we can, but this is our sense of humour.

Both Booky and I are Christians, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy jokes like this either. If you knew what I was censoring, you'd be proud. ;D

[twyrch]

Lady said:

Sorry...didn't mean to offend anyone. And WTF? This thing puts "girl thingy" in? Oh well...I think you all got the general idea of the punch line, lol

I'll try to tag my "dirty" jokes in the future so you will know if they might offend you.

"Tag" your dirty jokes? LOL... Might as well tag the whole thread then. I'm out of clean jokes....

Expect for this one...an oldy, but a goodie...

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke? He took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear another dirty joke? Bubble is the girl next door.

Wakka Wakka!!! ;D

[twyrch]

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to
take it out on someone --- don't take it out on someone you know, take it
out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

He replied "Wrong number, a**hole!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's
correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of
her phone number.)

After hanging up, I decided to call the 'a**hole' number again. When the
same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a**hole!" and I hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole!"

It always cheered me up!

When Caller ID came to our area though, I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole'
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the
caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!!"

So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a
parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for. I mashed the horn and yelled that I had been
waiting for the spot.The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale"
sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a**hole, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I let you in on you something?"
"Yeah, what?"
"Don, you're an a**hole!" Then I hung up, adding his number to my speed
dial.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call.

But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't as fun as it used to be
So, I came up with an idea: I called a**hole #1.

"Hello?"
"You're an a**hole!" (but I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said, "What of it?"
"Stop calling me!!" he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you? " he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a**hole, a yellow house with my black BMW
parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole!", before I hung up.
Then I called a**hole # 2:
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, a**hole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a$," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now!!"

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two
furious a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad
cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.

Now, I feel much better...
Masquerading as a normal person, day after day, is boring and SO
unfulfilling....

[CynanMachae]

thats not funny...

I once called my brother an a**hole when I was really mad at him...

by the tim I could walk again, I decided it was a bad idea to do that again...

[twyrch]

FantasyFan said:

thats not funny...

I once called my brother an a**hole when I was really mad at him...

by the tim I could walk again, I decided it was a bad idea to do that again...

LOL.... Kinda like when I called my dad a fag, eh?

[laurelin]

I don't call my brother anything. He's twice as big as me. And I'm not allowed to bite, claw or kick.

[twyrch]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not
paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to
go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he
should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at
his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could
stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

[Child of Immanuel]

laurelin said:

I don't call my brother anything. He's twice as big as me. And I'm not allowed to bite, claw or kick.

So's mine... When we used to fight I would have to use every weapon I possessed.

[twyrch]

A blonde got a job at Fisher Price working with the Tickle Me Elmo doll. Everything was going fine until an employee complained to her supervisor.

"You've got to do something about that new girl. She's holding up production!"

The supervisor frowned in disappointment, "What is she doing to hold up production?"

The irritated employee responded, "She's taking marbles, putting them in a cloth and sowing the cloth between Elmo's legs!"

The supervisor put his head in his hands and sighed, "Alright... I'll take care of it."

He goes down to talk to the blonde he'd hired, "Look," He said gently, "I know I hired you into our Quality Assurance department, but I only asked you to give each Elmo doll 2 TEST TICKLES."

[chrystalized]

Our Youth Group.com

Bulletin Bloopers

These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 PM

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Miss Charlene Mason, sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday morning

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit.

With a smile on his face, the pastor listened as the church choir sang the traditional hymn, "How Great Thou Art", as the rather large casket of the over 500 pound parishioner was wheeled out of the church.

Following this morning's message will be a pubic profession of faith.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"

A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me." (submitted by Luella Long)

Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

The choir will meet at the Larsen home for fun and sinning.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her.

Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 pm-8 pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, 'The Lord Knows Why.'

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Tonight's sermon-"What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.

[kahne9]

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new pickup truck. She wanted a fast little Saab-like sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new shiny bathroom scale.

Funeral Services are pending.

[dgan]

OK - I cleaned this up as best I could...


Subject: WELFARE OFFICE

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're b-s'n me!"
 
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[chrystalized]

this is a really dumb one

A frog walks int a bank and goes up to the teller. "Hi, I'm Nick Jaggar, son of Mick Jagger. I need a loan"
The teller said "hi I am Patty Whack, I will need some collateral if you want a loan"
The frog handed her a pink ceramic elephant, unsure she went to her boss. After telling him the story she asked him what the elephant was supposed to be. Her boss replied "It's a Knick Knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone"

[twyrch]

Both of those are really funny! LOL!