Joke Thread

[nicked]

that reminds me of that one dairy queen commercial where it had the cakes that said things like happy root canal, and #3 dad.

[twyrch]

Nicked said:

that reminds me of that one dairy queen commercial where it had the cakes that said things like happy root canal, and #3 dad.

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at thegrocery.A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible".

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Heck no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water.

She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.

Those idiots tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle......."

The old woman fainted.

[nicked]

twyrch said:

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at thegrocery.A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible".

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Heck no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water.

She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.

Those idiots tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle......."

The old woman fainted.

rofl

[twyrch]

Nicked said:

rofl

;D Glad you like it. I have more like that... but I thought I'd test the waters and see how that one was received first...

[twyrch]

CENSUS FROM A HICK TOWN

Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher

Spouse's Name:_________________________

2nd Spouse's Name:______________________

3rd Spouse's Name:______________________

Lover's Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: ______

Number that are yours: ______

Mother's Name:_______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name:_______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)


Total number of vehicles you own: ___

Number of vehicles that still crank: ___

Number of vehicles in front yard: ___

Number of vehicles in back yard: ___

Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____

Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?

[Lady Bookwyrm]

A poem I learned in 7th grade:

ARITHMETIC LESSON

He's teaching her arithmetic
He said it was his mission.
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice,
And said, "Now, that's addition."

And as he added, smack by smack,
In silent satisfaction,
She sweetly gave the kisses back,
And said, "Now, that's subtraction."

Then he kissed her, and she kissed him,
Without an explanation.
Then both together, smiled and said,
"That's multiplication."

Then Dad arrived upon the scene,
And made a quick decision.
He kicked that kid three blocks away,
And said, "That's long division."

[twyrch]

LOL.... that's pretty funny. ;D

[Child of Immanuel]

www.imgag.com/product/previe...om=&NameFirstTo

~*~*~*~

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife - I want to know how she feels inside,what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied..."You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

*~*~*~*

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.



After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of bacon and eggs. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate, so he asked his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks, so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather said, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass, so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, go lay down!"

[twyrch]

OMG! That's hillarious....

[twyrch]

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

[Lady Bookwyrm]

There was a guy who was absolutely WHIPPED by his girlfriend, whose name was Wendy. She just loved seeing how far she could get him to go. Finally, one day, she convinced him to tattoo her name on his you-know-what. When he wasn't, er, "excited," all you could see was the W and the Y. One day, at the gym, the guy looked over and saw a Jamaican man. He, too, had a W and a Y on his you-know-what. "Whoa, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?" asked the man. "No, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, Have a nice day!'"

[twyrch]

Lady said:

There was a guy who was absolutely WHIPPED by his girlfriend, whose name was Wendy. She just loved seeing how far she could get him to go. Finally, one day, she convinced him to tattoo her name on his you-know-what. When he wasn't, er, "excited," all you could see was the W and the Y. One day, at the gym, the guy looked over and saw a Jamaican man. He, too, had a W and a Y on his you-know-what. "Whoa, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?" asked the man. "No, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, Have a nice day!'"

w00t! w00t! The "tattoo" joke! I'd almost forgotten about that joke. Excellent addition! ;D

[CynanMachae]

A new bride steps out of the shower and tells her husband its his turn. The doorbell rings, and she goes to get it. Opening the door, shes finds Bill, their new neighbor. Seeing a gorgeous blonde in only a towell, Bill whips out $200 ands says they're hers if she lowers the towell. Wow, she thinks, we could use $200. so she lowers thee towell a few inches. Bill pulls out another $200 and tells her to drop the towell altogether. Well, she reasons, I've already comprimised myself, what the heck. She drops the towell and Bill gets a good look, then leaves. She goes back upstairs where her hubby asks who it was.
"Bill" she says
"GREAT!" he says. "did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?

[twyrch]

FantasyFan said:

A new bride steps out of the shower and tells her husband its his turn. The doorbell rings, and she goes to get it. Opening the door, shes finds Bill, their new neighbor. Seeing a gorgeous blonde in only a towell, Bill whips out $200 ands says they're hers if she lowers the towell. Wow, she thinks, we could use $200. so she lowers thee towell a few inches. Bill pulls out another $200 and tells her to drop the towell altogether. Well, she reasons, I've already comprimised myself, what the heck. She drops the towell and Bill gets a good look, then leaves. She goes back upstairs where her hubby asks who it was.
"Bill" she says
"GREAT!" he says. "did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?

LOL! That's awesome!!!

[twyrch]

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me
talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things.

I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't worry about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is
what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that
only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Breasts like you couldn't believe and an arse that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives.

It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me.

It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? I really missed you right then. Nothing feels the same without you. Gosh, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old
bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack.

She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you at least tell me where you put the remote?

Love, Chuck