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Post by CynanMachae on Feb 22, 2005 10:40:59 GMT -5
Jeremy and his wife get a call from some friends who want them over for dinner.
When they arrive, they are both extremely excited.
"what's the occasion!" says their host.
"we just finished a puzzle," says Jeremy's wife, "and it only took us 11 months!"
"thats not so good" says their hostess.
"Are you kidding?" says Jeremy. "On the side of the box it said 'two to four years!'"
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Post by twyrch on Feb 22, 2005 14:52:32 GMT -5
Jeremy and his wife get a call from some friends who want them over for dinner. When they arrive, they are both extremely excited. "what's the occasion!" says their host. "we just finished a puzzle," says Jeremy's wife, "and it only took us 11 months!" "thats not so good" says their hostess. "Are you kidding?" says Jeremy. "On the side of the box it said 'two to four years!'" LOL! Classic! |
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Post by twyrch on Feb 22, 2005 14:56:20 GMT -5
Below is a true story about a wedding that took place at Clemson University.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective trail them weeks prior to the wedding.)
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F*** you", he turned to the bride and said "F*** you", and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge:
1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception.
2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.
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Post by Lady Bookwyrm on Feb 22, 2005 21:42:01 GMT -5
lol...but Twyrch...that's not a true story...I've heard it a million times...sometimes it's the bride, sometimes it's the rehearsal dinner, sometimes the actual ceremony, almost always a different location...go to www.snopes.com for more urban legends, lol  |
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Post by twyrch on Feb 24, 2005 10:08:13 GMT -5
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Chris. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, Chris took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.
Then all the other bells began to ring.
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Post by twyrch on Feb 24, 2005 10:09:34 GMT -5
lol...but Twyrch...that's not a true story...I've heard it a million times...sometimes it's the bride, sometimes it's the rehearsal dinner, sometimes the actual ceremony, almost always a different location...go to www.snopes.com for more urban legends, lol Oh I know... But it's still pretty funny. ;D |
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Post by Lady Bookwyrm on Feb 26, 2005 20:28:56 GMT -5
A baptist preacher, a priest, and a rabbi are all on a mission and transporting a boatload of poor, starving orphans to America. However, in the middle of the voyage, they get caught in a terrible storm. The boat is badly damaged, and they have a limited number of lifeboats.
"We must save the children!" cried the rabbi.
"Screw the children! I'm saving myself!" replied the preacher.
"Do we have time?" pondered the priest.
NOTE: I am a Catholic...so I am poking fun at myself too, okeeday?
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Post by twyrch on Feb 26, 2005 21:29:57 GMT -5
I got a new car stereo the other day. When I shout "Soul", it plays soul music. When I shout "Rock", it plays rock music. Today, these kids ran in front of my car and I shouted "F***ing kids!!!!" It played Michael Jackson.
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Post by Lady Bookwyrm on Feb 26, 2005 21:42:43 GMT -5
Once, there was a fly hovering over a lake. He spied a bit of food and thought, "Hmm...I think I will come down and eat that." A fish was in the lake, and he thought, "Hmm...when that fly comes down, I am going to eat him." A bear was watching this, and he thought, "Hmm...I am going to nab that fish when he goes for that fly." A hunter sees the bear, and thinks, "Hmm...I am going to shoot that bear when he goes for the fish." In the hunter's pocket is a bit of cheese, just about to fall out. A mouse sees this, and decides that when the hunter shoots the bear, he is going to grab that cheese. A cat sees the mouse, and decides she is going to catch him when he jumps for the cheese.
Well...
The fly came down, was caught by the fish, who was caught by the bear, who was shot by the hunter, who dropped the cheese, which was grabbed by the mouse. The cat jumped for the mouse, but missed, and landed in the lake.
The moral?
When the fly comes down, the vagina gets wet!
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Post by Lady Bookwyrm on Feb 26, 2005 21:45:20 GMT -5
There was a girl who was a freshman in college. After getting settled in, she decided to find a boyfriend. Her roommate suggested that she limit herself to members of the band to make her search easier (it was a very large campus). The girl though that was a good idea and decided to take it one step further. She would only date brass players. The first night she went out with a trumpet player. "So, how was it?" her roommate asked. Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Ugh! It was the most awful date I have ever been on in my entire life! His kiss was this dry little pucker and he was the most arrogant jerk I've met!" Her roommate consoles her, and the girl decides to try again. The next night, she goes out with a tuba player. Again, the roommate asks how it went. "His kissing was terrible! It was like kissing slabs of meat, big slobbery disgusting slabs of meat! He was so dense, I was surprised he could talk!" Again, the roommate listens sympathetically, and encourages the girl to try again. The next night, she goes out with a french horn player. When she gets back, her roommate cautiously asks, "Well, how did it go?" The girl replied, "Well, his kissing was so-so, but I LOVED the way he held me!"  |
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Post by twyrch on Feb 26, 2005 21:54:24 GMT -5
Once, there was a fly hovering over a lake. He spied a bit of food and thought, "Hmm...I think I will come down and eat that." A fish was in the lake, and he thought, "Hmm...when that fly comes down, I am going to eat him." A bear was watching this, and he thought, "Hmm...I am going to nab that fish when he goes for that fly." A hunter sees the bear, and thinks, "Hmm...I am going to shoot that bear when he goes for the fish." In the hunter's pocket is a bit of cheese, just about to fall out. A mouse sees this, and decides that when the hunter shoots the bear, he is going to grab that cheese. A cat sees the mouse, and decides she is going to catch him when he jumps for the cheese. Well... The fly came down, was caught by the fish, who was caught by the bear, who was shot by the hunter, who dropped the cheese, which was grabbed by the mouse. The cat jumped for the mouse, but missed, and landed in the lake. The moral? When the fly comes down, the girl thingy gets wet! Girl thingy, eh?.... Interesting. ;D I wish the "fly" coming down is all it took.... |
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Post by dgan on Feb 26, 2005 22:45:12 GMT -5
What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant?
Kobe got off twice.
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Post by Child of Immanuel on Feb 27, 2005 8:58:54 GMT -5
This is getting a little too risque for my taste.
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Post by CynanMachae on Feb 27, 2005 17:46:44 GMT -5
This is getting a little too risque for my taste. You and me both, COI. I guess we should stay away from this thread.  ;D |
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Post by cardinalsfan4ever on Feb 27, 2005 17:58:38 GMT -5
You and me both, COI. I guess we should stay away from this thread. ;D You know it FantasyFan |
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Twyrch /|\
