Stand Up

[dgan]

(I don't know if this is the best forum for this thread, so mods - feel free to move it if you'd like.)

After overwhelming popular demand - ok, just Tegid poking fun at me with an off-the-cuff comment - I am creating a thread for the sole purpose of making people laugh.

Post your own stuff, or some great material from your favorite comedians. But please, NO PLAGIARISM!! Give David Letterman the credit if one of these days he actually says something funny.

Only come here if you want to laugh. It probably won't be very funny, so you'll have to approach it with a positive attitude.

[dgan]

Authored by dgan.

Why is it everything has to come as a package? You can’t order anything without getting a crapload of stuff you don’t need and didn’t ask for.

“Yeah, can I just have a Big Mac?”
“Sure, you want a #1 then.”
“No, I just want the Big Mac.”
“Oh, you want the Big Mac Meal?”
“NO! I just want the frickin’ sandwich!”
“OK, I’m going to need to get a manager to approve that.”
“I’m sorry, my manager doesn’t know how to enter just the sandwich into the computer. How about we just charge you for 7 small fries, but we'll give you a Big Mac instead so the price comes out right?”
“Sure. Whatever.”
“Do you want 2 apple pies for $1 with that?”

Nothing is exempt from this “package” rule. I ordered a computer and in 3 days they delivered my computer along with a big screen TV, a year’s supply of frozen vegetables, and a brand new Toyota Camry. Then I called my cable company to get my Internet connected. The ditz on the other end said no problem - they’d send someone right out to hook it up. Some guy with 35 tools hanging off his belt which pulled his pants down to his hamstrings told me I couldn’t get high speed internet because I didn’t have the digital cable package.

Well, I didn’t take that so well. After an ambulance, a police report, a bail bond, and a task force of overweight cable installers with all their pants covering far too little, I finally got my internet connection. Of course, then I had to deal with the 87 registrations for the various parts of my software package.

This is all proof that the marketing departments of these companies are run by women. I ask (not TELL) my wife if she would mind throwing some frozen chicken in the microwave for me while I watch the game. 45 minutes later, there is a plate of chicken stir fry with a side salad, made with homemade dressing and freshly cut fruit. This with the baked potatoes and the cookies made with her grandma’s secret recipe is all very good, so I thank her for the delicious meal.

I am then told in a fit of rage that she goes to all that work, and all she gets is a simple thank you while I sit my butt on the sofa watching sports. Huh? I didn’t demand that you make me anything, and I didn’t even ask for anything other than some frozen chicken! If I would have known I was going to have to pay for some package deal that I didn’t need, I would have kept my pie hole shut.

Of course, that frustrated response immediately wins me the Absolutely Free 3-day Ultimate Emotional Package, which I didn’t ask for either. Not only that, but I’ve now had to make my own frozen chicken for the last 6 weeks.

And I have a 2006 Toyota Camry for sale, if anyone is interested.

[Daae]

One of the teachers at my high school who runs an improve/drama group thing told us this one.

At man he knew used to work in a lab where they had canisters of liquid helium (which is very, very cold in its liquid state). The room was sealed just in case anything happened. And, of course, something did. One of the liquid helium cans broke. Two things happened at once; all the scientists began running around shouting "oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" in squeaky voices, and it started to snow (the liquid helium was so cold it froze the moisture in the air). Just take a moment and picture that.

[Gwalchmai]

The Advetures of Joe Bob:

The Low Down:

Joe Bob... an interesting name you might say, I say its the worst spur of the moment name I've ever come up with. Its just so... blah. And it doesn't help that Joe Bob is a Monkey... with a crusader helmet. Why the helmet you ask? Because I was trying to draw a knight and got a monkey. Pretty sad. So anyways, Joe Bob is the hero, and every hero needs a bad guy right? Well of course, the obvious choice would be sheep. I mean those are evil chums! Did you hear what they did to those poor bunnies? No? Lucky. Believe me, you can't give those guys an inch!

(Anyway, the whole Joe Bob thing is sapposs to be a funny comic I was drawing, I got about 6 pages done with about 18 more scripted out. If anyone is interested, I can post what I have and if theres supoort to that, I'll try to go back to drawing some more.)

Chio

[karenee]

*working very hard at not laughing*

You did warn me, dgan, but I didn't listen. I didn't WANT to laugh! I just read on because that's what I do... I mean, you put words in front of me and I read 'em. *grits teeth* I'm NOT laughing. The fact that my shoulders are shaking means NOTHING!

[dgan]

So, I bought my first MP3 player. Yup. Ordered it online and picked it up at the store. After 20 minutes and depleting the contents of a first aid kit, I finally got it out of the packaging. Of course, I can’t feel my fingers, which is kind of a problem when you’re dealing with something that weighs less than a booger. But I’m a guy – I love electronics, so I can deal with it.

Now, I don’t have much experience with MP3s. Until now, they were only an excuse I used at the gym when my wife caught me watching some chick working out. “I’m just trying to see what song she is listening to.” Anyway, so I was a little apprehensive about hooking it up to my computer but I was amazed at how easy it was! In no time at all, I had inadvertently erased every song from my hard drive. The MP3 was still empty.

Thank goodness for those help lines. Having someone in a foreign country explain to you how to install your backup disk is great fun. And it took less than an hour and a half! But when all is said and done, it was well worth it. My wife is now able to listen to the Black Eyed Peas instead of burning them on the stove.

Technology these days is pretty amazing. I’m sure you have seen these commercials for the Mobile ESPN? You can actually get scores and highlights on your phone! One of these days, they may even come out with a phone that allows me to get reception without standing on the roof of my house. If you think that is bad, my neighbor has it worse – he doesn’t get reception on his roof, so he has to stand on mine too. It’s not so bad though. At least we were able to split the cost of an extension ladder.

Have you been to a hardware store lately? The warehouse layout is really popular in hardware stores now. When my neighbor and I went to buy the ladder, we were amazed at how high they can stack things. Seriously, I saw what I dubbed the Leaning Tower of Candied Raisins. That was being held up by the Shears Tower. But that was nothing compared to the vast array of greenery. It was like we accidentally walked into a rain forest – you know, the kind of rain forest where all the natural habitats have been destroyed and every species of animal has become extinct.

We never did find the aisles that actually contained hardware-type items, so we gave up and ordered the ladder online too. To my surprise it came with a sticker that said you could get 5 free song downloads! Turns out the software I needed for the free download corrupted my computer bios-something-or-other, so my computer is mucked up again.

Oh yeah. My wife has since found out that the MP3 fits nicely into a CD disc changer. The 2006 Toyota Camry I have for sale now comes with a free MP3 player, although the CD player seems to have something jammed into it.

[karenee]

Dgan, I keep checking this thread! *sigh* Mopes away. I LIKE trying not to laugh! (or just laughing outright, it's good medicine)

[dreamer]

I finally remembered a joke for you all: (especially the women)

There was a lady shopping at a store in the young ladies department and saw all the signs on the wall proclaiming the brands of the clothes, "Hot Chick", "Steamy", and other such labels. The woman exclaimed to her shopping companion that the area she shops in would never have such suggestive signs. As they wandered over to the area she normally shopped in, they both looked up at the sign on the wall which read, "Sag Harbour".

[karenee]

*giggle!*

[dgan]

If laughter is the best medicine, then I tip my hat to one of the best doctors I've ever seen.

We'll miss you.

[dreamer]

Ditto.

Just saw a comic strip with him greeting St. Peter at the gates of Heaven with a sniff and saying, "You can take the day off; I've got everything under control around here."

Made me laugh!!

I actually came within 15 minutes of meeting him!! He was a friend of the man whose house I used to clean and he had just left for the airport before I got there. (I did have to clean his guest room. He was fairly neat, I must say!!) That one was of the bummer moments of life that I missed meeting him.

[dancer]

This may not make you laugh...it did me...in fact, the last time hubby and I were in a disagreement, I thought of this...and almost laughed outright while we were discussing...hahahahaha

I was thinking to myself...does he know about this? Should I try it? hahahahahaha

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you
need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before
helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should
be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.

"WHATEVER"
it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

[dancer]

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City - where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is
a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors, and the attributes of the ! men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch......you may choose
any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but
you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So......a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

On the second floor, the sign on the door reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

On the third floor, the sign on the door reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.

"Wow!" she thinks......but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
good ! looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes
to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[karenee]

*shakes head* My husband liked the last one a lot! Thanks for those, Dancer.

[dgan]

YES YES YES!!!! That is awesome, and far too true! If you only knew how I could relate to both of those right now! That's great! LOL!