Stand Up

[dancer]

Dgan - I think you are way too excited over my posts...you weren't suppose to AGREE with it...HAHAHAHA

modified to correct typo

[dreamer]

So funny, dancer!! ( I must have stopped at the right floor!!)

[dancer]

Me too...although hubby says he thinks I would've been satisfied with floor 3...God knows what he was doing when he gave me everything I ever dreamed of.

[karenee]

***cheers*** Good relationships are better than any joke! {{{hugs}}} all around.

*thinks floor two sounds really good!* Though help with the housework is always nice.

[dancer]

Subject: Chili Contest

A Texas Chili Contest

Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges (who were experienced judges), the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the heck is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety..

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out,fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[dgan]

that is hilarious

[dancer]

Thank you...I laughed so hard my sides hurt the first time I read it...

I also enjoy your stand up...it's much more original...I just steal from someone else...LOL!

[dgan]

There is just something naturally uncomfortable about going into a public bathroom. Now, I must plead ignorance about women's bathrooms. The only time I go in those is by accident, or when I'm wearing drag, which is only on my birthday and the Chinese New Year. And I'm talking about 'nice' bathrooms, especially in restaurants - not that over-sized porta-potty you hold your breath in at the SuperAmerica.

The first disturbing thing to greet you when going to the men's room is that picture on the door. You know, the corpse WITHOUT the skirt on. How many men look like that anyway? Broad shoulders, thick arms and legs, trim abs, and no hair on his back. Yeah, women only wish we looked like that. These bathroom designers make us guys feel inferior before we even walk in.

Once you get past the door, happen to bump into a guy exiting the bathroom, the real horror begins. There is this unrecognizable, grotesque, make-your-eye-twitch stuff on the wall - my wife told me it is called a 'color-coordinated pattern', which I gather is some sort of designer lingo. Whatever it is, it makes my stomach turn, applying more pressure to my already-full bladder. Give me a dirty white wall with a plain tile floor any day. Start adding swirls and checkerboard designs, and I begin wondering if I accidentally opened the door with the picture that had the skirt on.

Now here we are, already wondering if it is possible to hold it in at the bar for another two hours, and we haven't even made it to the area of relieving thyself. This takes the cake...literally...who the heck steals the urinal cakes out of the urinal? Needless to say, the smell is horrendous without them. But worse is the thought of what a person plans to do with a used urinal cake. Do they use it as a car freshener? Do they stick it down their pants to hide their body's reaction to the hot wings and nachos they've been eating for two hours?

Anyway, once you've taken a deep breath, unzipped, and stepped up to the plate, now your nose is 3 inches from the wall. This would normally be fine. Except they always insist on hanging reading material there, framed and everything. I have a few problems with this. First, what makes them think we are sober enough to read anything? If they think we can read, why do they put pictures on the bathroom doors? Second, we are men - we can't multi-task. I won't go into detail, but let's just say if you get caught up in the reading material, your aim is not so good. It's not like we are that accurate to begin with. Finally, how long do they think we're going to stand there? You never see a line for the men's bathroom - we can do our business faster than we can read a Peanuts comic strip.

Now that is assuming you only have to pee. Heaven forbid you need to go into a stall, but I can assure you the hot sauce will make it happen. Now we're not as anal (no pun intended) about sitting on public toilets as women are, but it still is not pleasant. Especially when the previous patron's flush was not sufficient in ridding all 3 feet of his deposit.

Once you have made the sitting area satisfactory, now you ARE looking for something to read. Unlike the stand up routine, this procedure often takes some time regardless of how much hot sauce you added to the onion rings. However, in this location there is a conspicuous absence of reading material. We're not asking for a Victoria's Secret catalog, just a Newsweek or local paper or Martha Stewart Living...anything to take our mind off the chore at hand.

Yet we are offered nothing, so we either read the graffiti or try to figure out the mathematical solution to this color scheme on the walls, or we pick at that zit on our thigh...where the heck did that come from anyway? After the necessary amount of time, we begin pulling out miles of toilet paper. This is necessary because it is so thin, it is transparent. You begin wondering why they didn't save some of the money they paid for that designer, and buy some good toilet paper. So here we are with half a roll in our hand, folded back and forth to simulate something thicker than saran wrap.

It is finally time to wash our hands. You would think this to be an improvement in our fortune, but you would be wrong. Two words for you - motion detector. Great concept except that they never detect any motion. You stand there with soap on your hands, waving your arms like an angry gorilla in front of the sensor, cursing at the thing to turn on. Your heart leaps when water finally splashes over your hands...and the counter...and your pants. If only the toilet had that much water pressure. Startled and angry because you now look like you didn't quite make it to the bathroom, your still soapy hands move too far from the sensor and the water shuts off again. This begins what will be several dozen cycles identical to the first.

Finally, after drying your hands with 371 sheets of paper towel which come out one at a time of course, you walk to the exit. This next thing never fails to happen. You meet another guy who is walking in. He goes through the same horrible acclimation to the color-scheme as you did - you can see it on his face - and then he looks at you as if it is all your fault. You give him a look back which says 'I dare you to eat more hot sauce than me', and then he continues on his journey through bathroom hell.

With a sigh of relief, you finally exit the men's room....


Only to find your wife is STILL in the women's room doing God knows what.

[dancer]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Except the part about women taking forever...I'm the exception to the rule. I can't bare to go to the bathroom in public and ONLY in an emergency situation will I do so.

I'm usually out before my wonderful hubby and he's looking around trying to figure out if I went in at all. And I have to go in the stall, sit down, do my business, wipe, flush, wash my hands, go through the water routine as you described above (although without the water on my pants hopefully), dry and get out before he completes his stand up routine.

We went out to eat one time and the emergency situation came up as we were getting ready to leave. We'd be in the car for 5 hours driving home, so it was necessary for me to visit.

I went in, it stunk to high heaven, held my breath, did my business, washed my hands, got out and my father in-law asked, 'Was is so bad that you changed your mind?' HAHAHAHA I said, 'No, I'm finished' He just looked at me like I had grown 3 heads.

[dancer]

Okay...this is stolen from an e-mail I got this morning...but it is soooo funny I had to share...

This is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: THE MIDDLE WIFE; by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher:

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birth-day.

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord. She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.

The kids are watching her in amazement.

Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, Oh, oh, oh, oh! Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, Oh, oh, oh! Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this. Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. And then, POP! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread and her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff; they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there.

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!

[dancer]

Okay, first of all, I must say, I WISH I had come up with this, but I'm not quite that talented...my talent is dancing...hehe

However, I thought this was too great NOT to share, so here ya go...

Author Unknown

Why Computers Sometimes Crash!
by Dr. Seuss.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall......

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, this sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing you a risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn it off and be sure to tell your Mom!

Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?

[dgan]

The bathroom just seems to be a breeding ground for unexplainable events. At the office, someone must have heard me complaining about the smell. Today I went in there and noticed we had one of those automatic aromatic release things. I was pleased with that until I noticed that someone had put the darn thing on the ‘euthanasia’ setting. It was like being on the set of Saw III. I kept looking around with my blurry vision for the hidden camera, imagining someone with a goofy mask laughing at my inability to locate oxygen. Who cares how good the bathroom smells if it kills you?

They say that smell is one of the senses most strongly tied to memory. Supposedly, that is why you randomly remember dates from long ago or childhood activities for no reason. That explains why, when passing a Taco Bell, I have flashbacks of the high school bully sitting on my face and ripping one on the bus.

The whole ‘scent’ thing is getting out of hand, though. It’s bad enough my 7 year old daughter has her own perfume, but I just found out my wife bought some perfume….for the dog! Now, don’t get me wrong – anything is an improvement over the dog’s natural body odor, but perfume for pets? That’s going a bit too far.

I actually just bought my first perfume…a whole case, in fact. Turns out the stuff is actually cheaper than Unleaded gas – and my Ford Escort’s exhaust now has a pleasant, feminine scent…

Of course, when the Ford F150s come around, I have to beat them off with a stick…

[Daae]

I'm a music/band geek from a family of music/band geeks, so this was bound to happen eventually. I'm a soprano who used to play trumpet, so I'm insulting myself too. Oh, and if you get these, you deserve a cookie.

How do you get two piccolo's to play in tune?
-Shoot one of them.

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
-A bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?
-Setting a bassoon on fire.

What is perfect pitch?
-When you get the clarinet into the toilet bowl in one throw.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
-Gifted. (My sister plays bass clarinet, so this one has special meaning for me;))

What is the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
-I don't know either.

The trumpet player's handshake: Hi, I'm better than you.

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
-He's too sensitive.

What's the difference between a french horn and a '57 Chevy?
-You can tune a '57 Chevy.

What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
-The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

What's the range of a tuba?
-Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.

Two tuba players walk past a bar...
well it could happen.

How can you tell if the stage is level?
-The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

How are sopranos defying the laws of astrophysics?
-The center of the universe shifts with every step they take.

What's the definition of an alto?
-A soprano who can sight-read.

How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
-Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How many basses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

What's the definition of a male quartet?
-Three men and a tenor.

What's a bassoon good for?
-Kindling for an accordian fire.

What's the difference between a soprano and piranha?
-The lipstick.

[dancer]

Here is an e-mail I got this morning...it's like gaining karma points...sometimes you do, sometimes you don't...

I KNOW IT'S LONG BUT, FOR GUYS, IT'S EDUCATIONAL...PLEASE READ

RULES OF ROMANCE

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men. Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
In the rain (+
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000) Now what chance do you have???

Pass it on to the fellas for info & to the gals for a good laugh. Good luck in your exam today!

[twyrch]

Recently, North Carolina was flooded by Hurricane Alberto. One of our lakes overflowed into a man-hole, flooding the septic system and dumping 3 Million gallons of sewage into the Swift Creek, according to Raleigh News. One of the members of city council interviewed about the cleanup efforts, called the spillage an "unfortunate incident".

UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT!?

Knocking over your mother's flower pot in an "unfortunate incident", not dumping 3 MILLION GALLONS of raw sewage into your drinking water.