Depression

[luv1another]

I actually made this thread for another site I am at and thought today why not share it here too that maybe someone will benefit from it :shrug: if this needs moving thats ok I just didnt know where else to put it...its long be forewarned.

first off it would be good to get as much information down in this thread as possible for those that think maybe they have it, or know someone with it...second I want to tell my story... I am not on pills yet but I want to write this out for those who have been or those who might go through some of the begining to end stages...I want to try and show people its not something we make up...no I dont think I have it as bad as some other people do or have had... I would like to hear those stories too... any info help that you could give others who may be going into depression would be great as well. what helped you get through tough days etc what alternative medicines etc worked/didnt work? anything at all.


my story

ok for me I still struggle with the thought I have depression...like I said I am not on pills yet but I think I may be close.
when did it start~ hmm thats a good question we all have ups and downs in life...we all have down days and times we struggle for maybe a week or so.
well the first time I ever thought O killing myself was when I was maybe 13 or 14 I guess I dont think I had depression then tho it was just growing up with things happening in my life and in the past that I didnt know how to cope with I think...

meh I then really didnt have any real depression till after my kids were born....sure like I said I had times when I was down times when I did absolutely nothing and stuff but I didnt think about killing myself at those times.... so back to after my kids were born... after the first I was fine then after the second there were times I couldnt cope I didnt tell anyone I just used to take the kids and go visit someone from church or go to the shops with the kids or something like that...I volunteered at the red cross shop etc all to stay out of the house basicly where I felt trapped and alone. honestly at the time I didnt think I had any problem after all its normal to feel down most the time when you have small children right? also at about this time is when my marriage began to get bumpy too...you see hubby was working from about 6am - about 7pm so he would come home eat and go to bed...

well I took on stuff in the church so I was out maybe 4 nights a week...meh hubby nearly left so the pastor sent me to a counsellor ( I had been a Christian all of about 2 or 3 years at this stage)...I went and the counsellor saw me once or twice told me I was doing the right things and I didnt need to go back. great. wasnt long after that I had thoughts of how to go about killing myself ( if your a christian I still believe this was a spiritual attack tho and if your interested you can ask me more)...

ok I was fine for about 3 years just your usual ups and downs kinda thing... ok well after mum died in december 2000 I found things begining to get worse ( before that everytime I was down I could pick up the phone and say hey mum and talk for 5 or 10 minutes...I think thats what stopped it from getting worse...mum never knew I was down when I rang) I still had no idea what depression really was.

recently I found out dad has cancer and will die with about a year could be tommorrow he is 79 but on top of marriage problems yet again and still grieving over mum and other stresses I have had. things have got increasingly worse...
go back to a few years I would have months usually coming up to december like nov, dec, jan, where I had more down than up times and this has become gradually more and more... recently a friend did a test on me that phsyciatrists do to see how bad your depression is... I scored as severe clinical depression... how do I know it was right?
well for straters my marriage counsellor said I seemed prone to depression and recommended I see a doc and get a refferal to see him as an indiviual patient...I did this yesterday the doc was going to give me pills but said I should see the counsellor first because pills take 3 weeks to start working and you need to stay on them a year at least

now going back about a year now I have been cyclic ,meaning I would go a few weeks on an up kinda mood, things went ok people cared I coped with anything in front of me fine...then suddenly my poor friends would be bombarded with do you care type texts...no one cared ( in my eyes, from my POV) no one would miss me, everyone would be better off without me etc etc etc.... no this was not luv1another needing attention and doing it the quickest way possible.

at this time it was like a cloud would come over me almost like eeyore and his little rain cloud that follows him but this dark cloud would drop over me things just wernt the same its hard to explain even right now while in a fairly up mood... you mind goes cloudy and your still you but your not in a way, you function and those around you may think your happy even, you smile you laugh at bad jokes and whatever else unless you tell someone or actually allow others to see it, they dont...I go to church or bible study or whatever and no one even knows its like kaz is happy...but those I confide in (very few) know they cope with the calls and texts and pms etc, they are the ones who basicly keep me going, stop me from harming myself.

you know I thought it was normal that people thought of killing themselves I really did, I thought the normal person you and everyone else had thoughts of killing themselves...my friend told me a few days ago, NO only 10% or something of the population do...

anyway this cloud makes your brain kinda fuzzy it stops you concentrating, someone may tell you something and you cant remember later... your concentration goes...work or things that you could do, you leave... like letter writing even when I was away I would leave letters for a week because I couldnt focus on what to write back, I will leave pms or emails for 2 or 3 weeks sometimes before I can think about what I should say in return... or I just cant deal with it and leave it for when I can. (unless its urgent or part of my mod duties then I can force myself to do it) my house it looks like a dump for up to 2 weeks sometimes because I cant focus it overwhelms me to think of doing anything, I am tired constantly no matter how much sleep I get... now this is while this cloud is there... when it lifts I have a fairly neat house...you could time it to the day as to when it goes because that day I usually have a burst of energy I clean and stuff and my house looks great (for a day LOL) also when the cloud lifts I can get 7 hours of sleep a night and function quite well at times I get 5 or 6 and do well and concentrate... on depression days no way I could get 9 hours sleep and feel like I had 2.

today I was thinking only a few years ago I would ask how could someone who seemed yto have it all, or someone who had a great family, or someone who had a great future in front of them, or someone with so many friends etc kill themselves...what a waste etc...what made them do it what was the reason... you know what I bet their reason would have sounded trivial to the normal population.

I understand so much better now... that cloud I was talking about it takes away things...it takes away the truth and swaps it for a lie... it steals from you the positive and replaces it with negative... you truly believe you are hopeless, you believe no one cares, you believe everyone would be better off without you around you honestly believe it, you may not want to and maybe there is something some small little light that says its not true but you quickly quash it.

the person if you talk them and say you care would admit you do but you have to tell them over and over its like it has to be repeated it doesnt sink in... to you it seems repititious you go I told you thi 20 minutes ago but to them its a life line its something that says maybe its worth being here even tho everything else seems dark and opressive.

the sports star may think he can never make he believes a lie something somehow that has been planted in his mind... the truth is swapped for a lie... the beauty queen thinks she is ugly or fat or that in a couple years no one will know her and so it doesnt matter swaps a truth for a lie, the young man newly married who finds out he cant have kids after him and his wife have been trying for years and its his wifes desire the things she most wants... believes he cant make his wife happy so she hates him, he cant have kids so he isnt a man...he swaps the truth for a lie... it doesnt take much.

I admit when the cloud comes over I see the lies as truth the truth is blurred it really is its hazy and its not that I want attention or that I need people to tell me they care constantly itsthat I am believeing things that arnt true and cant see the truth through the fog that covers my brain.

these people dont want to hurt others, they cant think of others when they are depressed its hard to remember birthdays or anything it sucks it really does.

meh I dont know what else to say or how to say it... I was shopping today and had a bad session of time and when it stopped I thought people need to try and see what its like I need to try and explain as best I can from my small perspective to give people some insight while I can.

I didnt do this to get pity or to even let you know whats going on with me...I did so that others will see it is real, so people will see others suffer through it to and they arnt alone, to show anyone can get it, to give a small perspective to those who dont know and may have someone around them who is starting to be depressed or is depressed.
I just think that so many people dont share their suffering and so others dont have a clue...I want others to be aware that the people next to them may have depression and they could save a life by just being there for them

I dont speak for everyone, I hope they will speak for themselves...these are my thoughts and my experiences I am sure others are slightly diffrent.

[Child of Immanuel]

Thank you for sharing. I'm sure this will help me understand my family (both parents on medicine; my brother is struggling for the motivation to start it) and be more sympathetic to them.

[luv1another]

COI I am glad it gave you a little understanding it took a lot for me to actually write it all down since I still have trouble accepting I have depression and was kinda scared of peoples reactions. I am used to being strong and not letting people see whats going on with me and stuff...
I am going for my first counselling session this week...not sure if he will want me to go on meds or just talk some more :shrug: we shall see

[dancer]

luv - I have to admit, I have a hard time understanding depression from a Christianity standpoint. I'm not downsizing your perception, just explaining mine.

I would like to encourage you to spend more time in the Word, talking to Daddy Abba. He is Your light, Your strength when you are weak. I would like to encourage you to see yourself as God see you. He sees you as His Princess, Beautiful in His sight. He created you. He loves you.

It is not his desire to see you depressed or thinking about killing yourself. This is directly from the enemy. His job is to steal, kill and destroy you. Don't let him win. He's really not worth it.

Okay, that's my two cents. I appreciate your honesty about how you are feeling and what you are going through. I pray my words have encouraged you.

I have a friend who suffers from severe depression and I admit I have a hard time understanding it.

Love and blessings,
dancer

[luv1another]

hey ya dancer.. ya I know it can be hard to understand and you mean well sometimes I think maybe I have this just so I can understand :shrug: I dont know but let me tell you that no, spending more time with God doesnt always help.... the time my depression was really bad was when I was spending 3 hours solid a day in prayer and reading my bible plus other times of praying throughout the day.

if you cut off your arm it doesnt matter how much time you spend reading your bible and praying It isnt there it aint growing back unless God does a miracle and usually he doesnt... with depression a lot of times there is some chemicals that have gotten low and so you dont have as much as you should.... yes God could miraculously replace them but like the arm usually he doesnt. yes the devil comes to steal kill and destroy but its not always the devil...we livein a fallen world.
with Job's friends asked Job what he had done to cause the suffering he was going through...they couldnt understand why Job had all this stuff happening to him...yet God allowed it.

[dreamer]

I always look at it like this. We think depression is merely a mood problem, but it's not just that most of the time. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. There is a stigma attached to it and therefore people are unwilling to admit that they have a problem and get medicine for it because of that stigma. If someone ate a diet of only bread, there would be a health problem that comes with it because of an imbalance of the nutrition your body needs. Depression can be the same kind of imbalance of chemicals in the brain. When the brain is deprived of the chemicals that the body usually naturally produces, there is a problem. The medicine that is prescribed is the chemical that the body can no longer make enough of. Sometimes it takes a few trials of medicine to get the correct chemical and the correct dosage, but it does make such a difference to the person and their function level. Sometimes after a short usage of meds the body remembers how to produce those chemicals at the correct amount and then meds are no longer needed. (In example, post-partum depression)

I hope that this encourages someone to get help and do the things that will help them get off the medication as soon as they can. I know for some that even admitting that there is a problem is a difficult thing, but if you had a serious problem with your arm or leg, you'd go to the Doctor to get it looked at. I see this as a serous problem with your brain and its function and there should be no stigma about going to a Doctor to get it looked at and taken care of.

Above all, remember to pray, not just for yourself, but for others. It can seem like you're in a cocoon, but remembering that there is an outside of the cocoon helps. And then God can help you to emerge as something beautiful for Him.

[karenee]

My thoughts on this have not brought about a solid conclusion, but...well, as I want to process this further I'm posting a bit.

Part of the reason it's so easy to look down on depression is because there are way too many people out there these days taking drugs as a way to smooth over the fact that they just don't want to be responsible for the way they handle their lives. I fear being one of them.

On the other hand, there is nothing in the Bible that says life isn't hard to deal with, that we won't have to go THROUGH pain, and that we're going to be happy happy happy all the time.

We see it's possible to be miserable and go through something we wish we could run from, yet still be godly. After all, Christ's prayers just before He was betrayed show He really wasn't looking forward to the anguish He was about to suffer. He was in emotional agony, but submitted to God.

Job, even in the worst of his trials, didn't reject God. I think we could safely say he was probably not calm, cool and collected through his trials and losses. God reminds Job of His awesome greatness and the control He exerts over the universe while pointing out that He doesn't need to explain why He let Job suffer, but He doesn't relegate Job's pain to nothing, either.

King David, also, suffered. His poems pour out a heart full of agony and fear. The thing is, he never loses track of who he's talking to. Somehow talking to God about it and remembering God's love and power brings the Psalms around to a triumphant close.

But... there are a lot of Psalms. Job suffered for a long time before God rewarded him for his faithfulness by restoring him. I don't see God condemning them for not being suddenly cured of their depression for all time. Instead, I see that they depended on Him through it. There is no doubt that God goes through the suffering of discouragement and depression with us and helps us to the other side.

I think the reward of going through that sort of pain is a new understanding of who God is, and what He does for us. Noone can say that's an easy lesson.

So...is depression sin? I don't know. Maybe I'm carefully forgetting the verse that says something about it so clearly that we can't really avoid the fact that if we're down we're in some way failing God and man. If we're depressed because of sin or are running from a work God is doing in our lives, then depression might be a consequence, but even then it is a way God can call us back to Him.

There are things that are tremendously hard to deal with in life that aren't in our control, like abusive relationships, sickness or crime. Perhaps depression, instead of being a sin in itself, is an indication that this is something we shouldn't try to handle alone and that we need help. Yes, by focusing and depending on God, but also to link into the support group of the church and perhaps even finding medical help.

Are we too afraid of not being strong? Didn't Paul say he rejoiced in his weaknesses? I think we might just short-circuit the system a bit. How is anyone to see God's strength in us, and not our own, if we aren't, in fact, weak? Don't you think that watching God lift David up to courage in the midst of his depression is a lot more powerful a witness of God's love than it would have been if David, miraculously, never got depressed? (I'm not saying, "Be weak!" I'm saying, "If you are weak, why pretend you're not?")

So...ok, wow... *goes to think about this more*

[CynanMachae]

luv1another said:

hey ya dancer.. ya I know it can be hard to understand and you mean well sometimes I think maybe I have this just so I can understand :shrug: I dont know but let me tell you that no, spending more time with God doesnt always help.... the time my depression was really bad was when I was spending 3 hours solid a day in prayer and reading my bible plus other times of praying throughout the day.

if you cut off your arm it doesnt matter how much time you spend reading your bible and praying It isnt there it aint growing back unless God does a miracle and usually he doesnt... with depression a lot of times there is some chemicals that have gotten low and so you dont have as much as you should.... yes God could miraculously replace them but like the arm usually he doesnt. yes the devil comes to steal kill and destroy but its not always the devil...we livein a fallen world.
with Job's friends asked Job what he had done to cause the suffering he was going through...they couldnt understand why Job had all this stuff happening to him...yet God allowed it.

I'll certainly be praying for you Luv but please don't believe this lie. Last fall I was struggling with issues also and I'll admit that it seemed God was never farther away than when I was praying. But, I've found that God was not the one who was far; it was me. My prayers had become distant and chore-like.

I'm not saying that this is what you're doing, but I will encourage you to reconsider what you said: "Spending more time with God doesn't always help." Spending time with God ALWAYS, ALWAYS helps, and God will make sure we know that by whatever means necessary.

[dancer]

Amen Cynan!

I must admit this has REALLY been bothering me ever since I read the original post and then the response to my post.

I didn't put into words what I was really trying to say. Karenee gets really close to saying what I was really trying to say.

Please understand, I say this with compassion in my heart when I say these things. I'm not saying I don't get depressed or that I don't get down when things in life happen that aren't wonderful and joyous. Believe me, I could really tell you some stories, but I won't bore you with them. The point is, when I'm feeling down, it's because I'm focusing on myself, my proglems, my circumstance, my husband, my children, my job, my house, etc etc etc...when I start focusing on Him and His greatness and lean on Him and not on my own understanding, He lifts me up. He brings me from the pit of despair and shows me His point of view.

My problems are so small you can barely see them when I look at things from God's perspective. Don't just read your Bible to read it and gain knowledge. Read and let it sink into your heart and soul. When I read about God's love for me, how can I be depressed about anything? It also helps to even just think for a moment what Jesus went through for us on the cross. Do you think He was filled with joy to be beaten? Stabbed? Laughed at? Mocked? A crown of thorns placed upon His head? Nailed to a cross with nothing but a loin cloth to cover his nakedness? Left to die? How much does my Father love me if He desired SO MUCH to have a relationship with me that He would send His Beloved Son to die on a cross so that I can have a relationship with Him? The thought of it makes me dizzy.

Also, something else that has helped me see myself as God sees me is a book that is called 'His Princess: Love Letters from Your King' by By: Sheri Rose Shepherd ISBN 1590523318. I highly recommend this book. This book is written for women, however, you can replace princess with prince. God is no respector of persons. It is scripturally based and is very encouraging to read it and realize how God sees you and me.

Still praying for you luv to see yourself how God sees you.

[karenee]

You know, Kaz, the right answers sound so easy, but they just aren't easy to assimilate. I know. Nothing is harder than changing our own minds. Do we ever really change our own minds? I'm not saying we don't have a part to play, but it may be submitting our minds to the changes God has for us and searching for them in His Word.

What He's working on MAY be something it never occurred to us might be a problem. Believe me, this has happened to me and it comes as a shock. Sometimes we think we're supposed to fix the depression when actually the problem is something else, and the depression will naturally leave once we deal with that something.

I think medical problems have a huge part in depression sometimes. Notice I'm not saying always. However, I think it's best to face the fact that illness and chemical imbalance may cause huge problems. This doesn't excuse us from changing the mental processes that aggravate the situation. My friend, even though it hasn't completely FIXED the problem, I assure you that changing my mental set and wrong perceptions of God has incredibly helped my depression.

It helps to know that others struggle with the same despair and frustration, not because I want companionship in my misery, but because some have come through it and can encourage me that this isn't the rest of my life in a capsule.

Recognizing that going through depression softens us so we are able to comfort others also gives us a hope. God can use this, Kaz, and already has. The advice given by those who have never experienced the complete emptiness is rather different than that given by those who know what it is to face it and feel lost. I've received both sorts of advice, and while the content may have been similar, the mercy shown was as night and day.

A dose of nutrition injected into the stomach through a feeding tube may save lives, but those who sit beside us and teach our unresponsive muscles to eat again and teach us to choose healthy food are appreciated; and their advice is more...long-lasting.

I love you, Kaz. Thanks for being so honest and caring.

[DanTheMan]

I've never been seriously depressed and in need of meds, but I know some who have. I can't relate very well. But I do appreciate luv's honesty and openess and I pray it has helped her. I also appreciate all the posts on this thread. This is good to talk about, even though difficult. I pray all goes well with luv and others as they deal with this.

[dancer]

I pray my words are an encouragement to you luv, that is what they are meant to be.

With much love,
dancer

[dgan]

Well, Luv, I do have some experience living with someone very close to me that suffered from depression which, from what you describe, is nearly identical. I can relate to those who do not really understand (because I didn't/don't either) as well as to you. I'm not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor, so I only say what I know from what little God has impressed upon me.

First of all, I'm glad you understand how serious it is. I'm excited that you are open to seeking help, and that you have committed yourself as best as you are able to understand that it is not your fault as a person for feeling the way you do. It could be bioligical, chemical, or simply a developed reaction your mind is using to protect you from something else. Regardless the reason, you are not to blame. Kudos to you for understanding it so clearly -- in my opinion, that is the most difficult hurdle to achieve.

I understand your frustration in trying to convey your frustration. It took me years to have even the slightest understanding of what depression is about. Much of it is the snowball effect. You become depressed about being depressed; you become frustrated about being frustrated. It is that feeling of hopelessness and endless circle of emotions that really define depression.

What is most difficult for people to understand is that it is not your feelings that need corrected. Most people will give you advice so that "you don't feel that way." That is not the goal. The goal is to have control over how you react and respond to those feelings. Much of defeating depression has to do with control. Even following God is a decision. When your emotions prevent you from making proper decisions, "spending time with God" is not always an option because you don't have the ability to decide to do that.

You cannot control your feelings. You probably never will. None of us do. You will always feel angry, sad, lonely, etc... The key question is, how do you respond when you experience that?

In my case, the person eventually went on medication. The result was an absence of being able to respond to emotions. She still felt just as alone at times; just as angry; just as frightened. However, the medicine prevented her from reacting in a volatile way to those emotions. Instead, she had an almost "blank" response.

Now, in time, this became a problem in itself. I don't know how many times she would say, "I just need to cry, but I can't." It is no secret that depression medication can sometimes increase suicidal tendencies. It is kind of like bringing the problem to a head, and if you survive it, you might be better off. Anyway, the frustration from having feelings but no emotion eventually caused her to ease off of it, and now she doesn't take any at all.

But what happened in the mean time was amazing. Without those huge swings in mood and emotions when reacting to the way she was feeling, she was able to use those "blank" times to think and meditate. She began to understand why she felt the way she did, and began making decisions as to how to react. This is what changed her life. She was able to change her emotional habits, which previously had almost always occurred almost at a subconcsious level which she had difficulty controlling.

She still goes through tough times, and always will. But now that she understands what is happening and how she wants to react to those feelings, she now has control over the emotions instead of the other way around.

Every case is different, obviously, and I base my opinions on only one of them. But I want you to know that I understand how the emotions can control and consume you, and spawn other emotions that also control you. It is a vicious cycle. Maybe medication will help, or maybe just talking through it with a professional will do the trick. Just remember, the key is to have control -- not to "fix" anything.

You have already made the decision to work at it, and I am so proud of you! That particular decision is the one thing you have control over right now. Keep at it, and eventually you will have the control to run your daily life by what you decide to do, rather than what your emotions cause you to do. As one of my favorite mortal heroes once said:

"Don't give up. Don't ever give up." -- Jimmy Valvano

[luv1another]

thankyou dgan
it was such a relief to read your post.

[kg00ds]

Luv, thanx sooo much for sharing. Believe it or not I have had to struggle with depression myself and so has my brother Shag. I've never taken medicine for it but I have had freinds who did and never once looked down on them (although I do have to admit that the general population seems too dependant on "drugs" in order to cope with life. ) We luv ya sis and I for one would def miss ya if ya went. You'll be in my prayers. ttyl -Keith