comments needed

[laurelin]

I wrote this poem for my class, and I don't know what to do with it, because it doesn't feel quite right (maybe the ending?):

20/20

Grandpa’s glasses hooked around my ears
Like a little girl in her mother’s shoes
But Mama’s feet are small
And those frames were much too big
Eyes staring blue back at me
Two small pictures of perfection

Line 7 flaunts its letters
Stark black against the white
Wish I could blur the world at a touch
And not see its flaws so clearly
Mom was wrong—all that bad light
Hasn’t hurt my eyes at all

[laurelin]

Never mind. I think I've fixed it now.

[tinidril]

laurelin said:

Never mind. I think I've fixed it now.

What did you change? You didn't edit the post here, so I'm curious about what you changed... this poem seems really good as is!

[laurelin]

Heh. Haven't been here in a while. Uh, this is my most recent version:

20/20

I still remember how I pressed
Papa’s glasses to my nose
Like a little girl in her mother’s shoes
Those frames were much too big

The mirror’s glass was always
Clear, unshaded; it showed
My eyes staring blue back at me
Two small pictures of perfection

Line 7 flaunts its letters
Stark black against the white
Even now sometimes I
Wish I could blur all at a touch

Into a watercolor world
Where I, too, blend in, belong
Mom was wrong—all that bad light
Hasn’t hurt my eyes at all

[kg00ds]

I like it. I was in a poetry class this semester too. I started writing poetry when I was about 11, but I stopped, for the most part, for a while. Anyway, I started back this past year. HOw long have you been writing?