Poem

[kg00ds]

cree8ivone said:

Comments on Broken:
- Nice rhyming couplets with good rhythm.
- Use the word " 'til " as the first word in the second to last line instead of "until" in order to maintain the rhythm.
- A simple heart felt prayer with lots of emotion.
- Best line: "Can nothing cover up this mark" - It has the deepest meaning and imagery.

Comments on Is there one?:
- This one has some neat potential. I like how it starts. I thought it was Jesus talking to God, but it changed. If you could start with that premise and work in Jesus as the "ONE" who answers the questions, I think this would really be something special.
- Some rhythm problems throughout; no well defined meter.
- One line confuses me: "Embraces sword or blade of knife" - It seems like it was forced in to fit the rhyme scheme.
- Best Rhyme: thought - naught.

Comments on Bury Me:
- This is the most ambitious of the three with double phrase lines as well as it's message.
- The rhythm is hard to find at the beginning, but you get it hooked up toward the end.
- Too much 'scorn'; try using a different word in one of those places (my clothing is torn - shows better imagery and hints at what the third line brings out).
- Using more capital pronouns will help keep your rhythm intact instead of using God's name as an appositive.
- Best line: "my past is my shame" - So true and honest; this emotion can be felt by all who read it. It also shows recognition of a change coming or a current difference.

Over All:
Well done, Star...
You write with a passion and an emotion many people gloss over with heavy words. I like the couplets and rhythm you are going for. I find it more poetic than 'free verse', but that is a personal opinion .
Keep writing. You never know what God will do with your effort and energy.

In Christ,
Chip

Wow, Cree8ivone you really seem to know your stuff. I was supposed to be in a poetry class this semester but due to hurricane Katrina I missed out on 95 % of the lectures in it. Anyway, I was hoping you could take a look at my poetry and tell me what you think. And, star keep it up. You definitely have a promising career as a Poet.

[kg00ds]

starkindler201 said:

Hmmm... never written about anything like that before. Here is the first draft. (May seem a little wierd lol).

The willow's limb in summer breeze
The burden on my soul did ease
The grass deep green on hill's steep slope
The wind brings thoughts of peace and hope
A place of depth and shallow dreams
Where no care lives, or so it seems
A place that's mine, and mine alone
The pungent smell of fresh pine cone
The chirping light of bird on wing
Along with them my soul does sing
Of far of land, and hearth and home
Of mountains high, and seas of foam
The place in which my soul is free
Within the bush and branch and tree
A place thats mine and mine alone
Where heart and mind and soul can roam

I was listening to soft music and I live on a hill sooo... lol. Hope you like it

My absolute favorite so far. Great Poem. ;D

[twyrch]

kg00ds said:

Wow, nice poems. I liked them alot By the way I am new and would really like your input on one of my own.

Diluted
Struggling and writhing within
Polluted
By the permanent stain of sin
I’ve fallen
how did I fall so far ?

Forbidden
Was the fruit I enjoyed
Pleasurable
Yet destined to be destroyed
Am I
If repentance does not come.

Hopeless
None left to sustain
Empty
Knowing nothing without pain
I cry
Sorrow, come to my aid.

Death
My only friend
Both
Freeing and condemning
I seek it
it is my only hope.

Wow... that's really good. Keep up the good work.

[twyrch]

kg00ds said:

I would really like some of you guys opinions.

Here is another one:

Shall I through reason seek thy reality
Or in illusion and emotion seek a deeper thought?
As I sit and question thy fallibility,
and try to discern what thou hast wrought.

Yes, through reason shall I inquire,
and through visions: emotions tested and true
There shall I find what the soul desires
and learn of the beauty found in truth.

But, thy eternal mind I shall never comprehend,
Nor see thyself complete in natures vast array.
Nor shall I learn all that knowledge holds within
But shall from life unto death seek the way

So long as souls through imagination and belief
Truthfully can conceive
I shall seek to live through sincere reason
And emotion, and in life believe.

This reminds me of a Psalm. Very nice.

[kg00ds]

Thanks twyrch and feel free to drop me some criticism as well.