Poem

[Child of Immanuel]

My best poetry was during my 'emo' phase last year. Although most of it was blank verse... that's a downside.

[twyrch]

Child said:

My best poetry was during my 'emo' phase last year. Although most of it was blank verse... that's a downside.

You should post some of your poetry here as well.

[Child of Immanuel]

I'll try to find some.

[cree8ivone]

I too would love to see more of your poetry. Maybe even in the alliterative verse section... hmm...

[cowgirl]

starkindler201 said:

Here is a poem I just wrote lol.

A sorrow deep as burdened glade
Though sun is gone and pure light fade
A hand is over rock and tree
O'er mountain high and foaming sea
This hand of purest love was wrought
O'er death and hell He bled and fought
He died to conquer death and fear
To to His arms we could draw near
His love abundant as the star
And His reach eternal far
All men must bow down on their knee
And through His love he cuts us free
From death and pain and torment deep
Eternal hell and evil sleep
And through His love He draws us near
So through Him we need never fear

Wow! you should definitally continue writing poetry, especially if you enjoy it.

[starkindler201]

Thanks . I have been away from the site a little while... but here are a few poems I wrote recently.

Broken

Oh Lord my God can nothing hide
The broken spirit in their eyes
Can nothing Lord fill up their heart
Can nothing cover up this mark
Can nothing Lord ignite the flame
NOthing Lord save for Your name
Lord break my heart to help them see
Break their chains and set them free
Please show oh Lord Your love on high
Please, my God, don't let them die
Until they embrace their gain as loss
And give their life before the cross

Is there one?

A world of darkness, mankind enslaved
Lord is there one who would be saved?
A man who'd embrace our foolish thought
That loss is gain and gain is naught
Lord is there not one so bold
To cast off all they had been told
To lose their eyes so they could see
To swear allegiance, to be set free
A man who counts his gain as loss
And would give it all before the cross
Who knows to die to gain true life
Embraces sword or blade of knife
Lord give them eyes to truly see
That through Your death we have been set free

Bury Me

I stand before you God, my clothing as scorn
My life denying the right I was born
My ways are without You… my tongue scorns Your name
Lord look not upon me… my past is my shame
But You looked beyond me, the things I had known
You cast off my sin and led me back home
For You alone God will I give my life
Take it now Lord, a true sacrifice
For You alone can give mercy that’s true
So please bury me now… my past dead for You

[cree8ivone]

Comments on Broken:
- Nice rhyming couplets with good rhythm.
- Use the word " 'til " as the first word in the second to last line instead of "until" in order to maintain the rhythm.
- A simple heart felt prayer with lots of emotion.
- Best line: "Can nothing cover up this mark" - It has the deepest meaning and imagery.

Comments on Is there one?:
- This one has some neat potential. I like how it starts. I thought it was Jesus talking to God, but it changed. If you could start with that premise and work in Jesus as the "ONE" who answers the questions, I think this would really be something special.
- Some rhythm problems throughout; no well defined meter.
- One line confuses me: "Embraces sword or blade of knife" - It seems like it was forced in to fit the rhyme scheme.
- Best Rhyme: thought - naught.

Comments on Bury Me:
- This is the most ambitious of the three with double phrase lines as well as it's message.
- The rhythm is hard to find at the beginning, but you get it hooked up toward the end.
- Too much 'scorn'; try using a different word in one of those places (my clothing is torn - shows better imagery and hints at what the third line brings out).
- Using more capital pronouns will help keep your rhythm intact instead of using God's name as an appositive.
- Best line: "my past is my shame" - So true and honest; this emotion can be felt by all who read it. It also shows recognition of a change coming or a current difference.

Over All:
Well done, Star...
You write with a passion and an emotion many people gloss over with heavy words. I like the couplets and rhythm you are going for. I find it more poetic than 'free verse', but that is a personal opinion .
Keep writing. You never know what God will do with your effort and energy.

In Christ,
Chip

[starkindler201]

Wow... thanks for the honest comments! Will edit my poems accordingly.

[starkindler201]

Bury Me

I stand before you, my clothing is torn
My life denying the right it was born
My ways are without You… my tongue scorns Your name
Lord look not upon me… my past is my shame
But You looked beyond me, the things I had known
You cast off my sin and You led me back home
For You alone God will I give my life
Take it now Lord, a true sacrifice
For You alone can give mercy that’s true
So please bury me now… my past dead for You

Edited it a little bit. I think the meter flows better.

And in "Is there one?" the meter doesnt flow because I wrote it to be read aloud. Hard to explain... I will record it. And the sword or blade of knife line references the martyrs. Hope that clears it up a little! Thanks again

[laurelin]

I'm afraid I have to agree that there are rhythmic problems with "Is there one?"

For the most part, the poem has good wording and a decent meter. You should realize that, first of all, every good poem is meant to be read out loud. If it doesn't sound good read, it isn't good. Second, you can't assume that everyone else will read the poem the way you do. When I was in high school, for example, I wrote this poem that rhymed, but I was using some crazy mutant scottish accent that made hearth and earth rhyme. Hearth and earth don't rhyme, and no one else was going to read it that way.

As an example, these two lines:

A man who'd embrace our foolish thought
That through Your death we have been set free

It's hard to read out loud without stumbling over the words. In the first line, it's because the rhythm changes over the lines, (if you read it naturally), and also because the contraction is surprising, and somewhat contradictory with the formal tone of the poem.
The second line there is just too long. The "we have been" is three extra syllables that make that second clause longer than the first, and the consonants in have and been make the line naturally slower to read.

When you're writing in rhymed meter, you have to pay close attention to how other people will read the poem. The best way to do this is to get another person to read it out loud, and listen to how well it flows.

[starkindler201]

I dont think you get what I meant lol. My advisor on my mission trip had me write it to read at the end. I will make a recording so you can hear it... just felt like putting it up here lol.

[kg00ds]

Wow, nice poems. I liked them alot By the way I am new and would really like your input on one of my own.

Diluted
Struggling and writhing within
Polluted
By the permanent stain of sin
I’ve fallen
how did I fall so far ?

Forbidden
Was the fruit I enjoyed
Pleasurable
Yet destined to be destroyed
Am I
If repentance does not come.

Hopeless
None left to sustain
Empty
Knowing nothing without pain
I cry
Sorrow, come to my aid.

Death
My only friend
Both
Freeing and condemning
I seek it
it is my only hope.

[kg00ds]

I would really like some of you guys opinions.

Here is another one:

Shall I through reason seek thy reality
Or in illusion and emotion seek a deeper thought?
As I sit and question thy fallibility,
and try to discern what thou hast wrought.

Yes, through reason shall I inquire,
and through visions: emotions tested and true
There shall I find what the soul desires
and learn of the beauty found in truth.

But, thy eternal mind I shall never comprehend,
Nor see thyself complete in natures vast array.
Nor shall I learn all that knowledge holds within
But shall from life unto death seek the way

So long as souls through imagination and belief
Truthfully can conceive
I shall seek to live through sincere reason
And emotion, and in life believe.

[kg00ds]

Or how about this one:

Bentley

Settled in solitude among the trees
Pine cones and pine needles strewn all around
The sweet scent of honeysuckles carried
in the breeze

Sounds of children playing –
Running with tires on the gravel lane through town
The creak of the old tree swing travels
to my ears

The old church down the road
Grace Bible Church its called – fills the air with
Their hymns echoing through the alleys
Man made

Fresh apple pie and peach cobbler
Mashed potatoes, grits and greens cover the table
As its tri-annual camp meeting begins
the hypocrites cook well

Small and quaint, our house sits
A bit up the road and to the left
Mom’s azaleas in front-- Dads in the garden behind the house
I wonder what we’ll eat

Monday morning out dawn sneaks
through the trees, illuminating every leaf –
Racism runs rapid as work starts at the plant
with boy do this and boy do that

In winter months Pineville’s stench flies –
to my nose, a strong wind carries it our way.
And in a week the lights in Natchitoches will be callin my name
We’ll go as a family

Bentley, blink and you’ll miss it
Proud and strong amid Louisiana’s secret hills
Ditches are more like it in retrospect
Will it be here tomorrow?

[kg00ds]

starkindler201 said:

Here is a poem I just wrote lol.

A sorrow deep as burdened glade
Though sun is gone and pure light fade
A hand is over rock and tree
O'er mountain high and foaming sea
This hand of purest love was wrought
O'er death and hell He bled and fought
He died to conquer death and fear
To to His arms we could draw near
His love abundant as the star
And His reach eternal far
All men must bow down on their knee
And through His love he cuts us free
From death and pain and torment deep
Eternal hell and evil sleep
And through His love He draws us near
So through Him we need never fear

This is a wonderful poem. I like the imagery. It is very moving.