Post by Gwalchmai on Jan 21, 2006 20:49:47 GMT -5
This is a tad old... ok more than a tad, I got this right after the last Presidential elections but I still find it utterly hilarious. I hope you all enjoy it as well.
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check
the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour',
skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
"ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you
can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry
Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English
accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit
or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast
with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you
must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire
in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States
will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving
Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered
down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem,
"God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying
out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and
give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There
is only one kind of football. What you refer to as
American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15%
of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to
play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are
hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side
by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series'
for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which
is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized
gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85%
of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is
French for "5hit".
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a
permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November
2th will be a new national holiday, but only in
England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and it is for your own good. When we show you German
cars, you will understand what we mean. All road
intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You
will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't
even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you
(including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to
chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup
will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea
made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From
November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices
with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be
with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check
the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour',
skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
"ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you
can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry
Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English
accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit
or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast
with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you
must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire
in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States
will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving
Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered
down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem,
"God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying
out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and
give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There
is only one kind of football. What you refer to as
American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15%
of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to
play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are
hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side
by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series'
for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which
is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized
gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85%
of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is
French for "5hit".
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a
permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November
2th will be a new national holiday, but only in
England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and it is for your own good. When we show you German
cars, you will understand what we mean. All road
intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You
will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't
even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you
(including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to
chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup
will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea
made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From
November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices
with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be
with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
Twyrch /|\
