I'll give it a try... lets see what you guys think

[CynanMachae]

This is the book I'm currently working on...

Okay, the setting is New York City, 1833.

CHAPTER ONE

Joseph Adams glared evilly over the table at the figure glaring back at him. A smile was playing at the corners of his lips. This was a mind game, and he was winning. The sun was setting into the sea, casting long shadows to the east. Carts rolled down the New York City streets, the sound of the horses hooves blending and the carriges wheels clacking against the cobblestone blending with the noises of their drivers and other folk traversing the roads. But all the bustle was lost upon the two men; they still sat unmoved. Finally, the other man - Samuel was his name - plucked the cigar from his mouth, pushed back his chair, and exhaled. Joseph smiled. Victory. Samuel shot him one last glower through the cloud of smoke he had created, then threw his cards down on the table.
"D---! I'll fold!"
Joseph burst out laughing as he drew his arms luxuriously in a sweeping arc over the table, pulling in the coins that were stacked there. It wasn't much really, just some small gold and silver coins; about five dollars. Ah, but he'd take what he could get.
"Bloody hell, this ain't over!" Samuel growled. "I've got more..."
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a few more pieces of currency. Joseph stood, chuckling.
"Oh, c'mon," he smiled, "we need to get back to work."


Okay, thats it. Well, thats all I'll post for now, anyway.
You can be brutal with me if you want... ;D

[laurelin]

"Joseph Adams glared evilly over the table at the figure glaring back at him. "

Your first line needs to be one of your best, if not your best. This one overuses the word glare; too repetitive. Also, if you're going straight into the action, it needs to be quick. One of my favorite examples, from Fahrenheit 451: "It was a pleasure to burn." Beautiful, fitting, and simple.


"A smile was playing at the corners of his lips. This was a mind game, and he was winning. The sun was setting into the sea, casting long shadows to the east.""

Too much passive tense.

"Carts rolled down the New York City streets, the sound of the horses hooves blending and the carriges wheels clacking against the cobblestone blending with the noises of their drivers and other folk traversing the roads."

This should not be one sentence. There's too much going on, for one. You also use blending twice.


"Finally, the other man - Samuel was his name - plucked the cigar from his mouth, pushed back his chair, and exhaled. Joseph smiled. Victory."

Beautiful. It gives info and action without overwhelming. Very nice.

"Samuel shot him one last glower through the cloud of smoke he had created,"

Good up until the end; that last clause drags the sentence down. If you want to emphasize that he was smoking, I'd have a separate sentence put in about his cigar (using action rather than information, if that makes sense)

"in a sweeping arc over the table, pulling in the coins that were stacked there."

Again, the last clause is superfluous; if you want you could say "pulling in the stacked coins" or "the stacks of coins"

"He reached into his pocket and pulled out a few more pieces of currency."
"pieces of currency" is kind of gaudy language, and you repeated pull.

The above are all technical, stylistic sort of things; that's all I would change. Depending on the book and the flow you're going for, you may want to stretch out the narration, but that's your choice.

[Riothamus]

Here:

It wasn't much really, just some small gold and silver coins; about five dollars. Ah, but he'd take what he could get.

you have a voice-drop--you dip into Adams' thoughts. Really, you should stay out, unless you make him your reflector for the entire scene. Otherwise I would suggest something like:
"It was a meagre stack, consisting of small gold and silver coins, five dollars at the most. However Adams was not what would be called a picky man, and he appropriated it as if it were a million."[/quote]

Riothamus, I'm so sorry. I meant to hit quote, but I hit modify and didn't notice it. -COI

[laurelin]

That's really a stylistic choice. It depends on whether or not you like free indirect discourse or not, as long as it's done well, and it's consistent.

[Riothamus]

My point was that he was indeed not being consistant because of the voice-drop so late in the section; if he had started with a dip into the character's head, it wouldn't be so objectionable. As it is, it's too sudden a shift.

[laurelin]

That, I agree with. If you want that character's voice to carry the narrative, it needs to be stronger. I think you would do better at that than at staying out of his head; the little glimpse of the internal voice you give is good.

[CynanMachae]

JEEZ, guys, when I said be brutal I didn't mean this!! ;D

JK, thanks. This is just the first paragraph, too, maybe I should post more.

Riothamus, I use that "voice-drop" all the time. I never really thought it was a bad thing until now...

Laurelin, as for the "blending" that was a typo just cut that word from the thing...

[Riothamus]

Riothamus, I use that "voice-drop" all the time. I never really thought it was a bad thing until now...

Well, it tends to snatch the reader out of the fictive moment (I don't like the term fictive dream,) because it's such a radical change from what came before. But it's easily fixed, either by using the method I noted before, or by simply dropping into the character's head much sooner in the scene and pretty much staying there for the scene.

By all means, drop in the next paragraph. I look forward to it. ;D