amodman
Mabinog
[M:395]
The Nightcrawler
Posts: 226
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Post by amodman on Feb 26, 2005 0:18:23 GMT -5
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Post by twyrch on Feb 26, 2005 20:49:53 GMT -5
Pretty good.  You have come good commentary, a nice story base and the personalities are believable as well... As I read it, I couldn't help think about the Prison Escape on Star Wars and the arguing between Solo and Leah... Your Lady Lya reminded me soooo much of Princess Leah, it was amazing... Just the way she interacted with Jonkin.... I was waiting for Jonkin to say, "Yes, your worship...." ;D Good job. Keep up the good work. |
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Post by Riothamus on Feb 27, 2005 8:46:59 GMT -5
Well (if I may just jump in,) it's a good story-line (though the twist could use some refinement--I mean the last three lines.) For the most part, ditto what twyrch just said; however, three things could be improved:
1. There's too many scentences running like this: "He jumped off the wall, landing on an aligator and tying it to a post" [NOT from your manuscript] Once or twice is fine; when whole paragraphs are made up of it, it gets old fast.
2. "Finally, he reached the top of the blasted tower, and came around the last bend to see two guards, swords drawn, blocking his path." [italics mine]
That's a point of view drop. Until this point, and after it, the narrator is basically detached from the actions and thoughts of the charicters. It's all "he did this; he did that," with an occasional "he realized thus." So that when you say "top of the blasted tower," you ruin the integrety of your narrative voice by dropping abruptly into Jonkin's thoughts (only he would think of it as a "blasted tower." Unless I missed some artillery bombardment...."
3. Lya. The banter was funny, but I personally never realized (as Jonkin purportedly does realize,)
that she was "a person." I would have put her back in the tower. I don't mean you should soften her up, but give her a bit more vunerablility, or less sauce, or something of that nature. Otherwise it might look like he's rescuing a parrot.
But as I say, it's pretty good. The story line is good, and the way you contain the story is something I can only envy--I tend to spill out messily, or run out of material before I start. Good work.
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amodman
Mabinog
[M:395]
The Nightcrawler
Posts: 226
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Post by amodman on Feb 27, 2005 21:36:07 GMT -5
That's some good crtiticism Riothamus. Nearly each thing you point out I already iffy on. I mean, the way the sentences are constructed, it was just the way it was rolling off my mind. I, actually, felt iffy on the used of the adjective blasted in that exact instance, but, at the time, I was simply writing it for my own enjoyment. The 'twist' you pointed out was actually more of a little joke that, for some reason, just seemed to crack me up! I dunno, it was late, lol.
I've been trying to write a more novel'ish fantasy involving lots of world-building, but have made nexts to no progress as my spurts of creativity seem short-lived, and I'm never happy with my work. The short story was a refreshing change, and makes me think I might pen more if the situation strikes me.
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Post by Riothamus on Feb 28, 2005 7:50:08 GMT -5
Hey, I know what you mean. And re-writes are killer. Have you ever been in a position where you know what to do, but not how to do it without re-writing every single scentence (and then you just know there'll be more to fix.) Writing a short-story to keep the juices flowing is a great idea, and one recomended by several writing experts. The problem with me is finding the time. (If I weren't here half my life, I would probobly get some writing done....  ) |
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Post by twyrch on Feb 28, 2005 10:19:44 GMT -5
That's some good crtiticism Riothamus. Nearly each thing you point out I already iffy on. I mean, the way the sentences are constructed, it was just the way it was rolling off my mind. I, actually, felt iffy on the used of the adjective blasted in that exact instance, but, at the time, I was simply writing it for my own enjoyment. The 'twist' you pointed out was actually more of a little joke that, for some reason, just seemed to crack me up! I dunno, it was late, lol. I've been trying to write a more novel'ish fantasy involving lots of world-building, but have made nexts to no progress as my spurts of creativity seem short-lived, and I'm never happy with my work. The short story was a refreshing change, and makes me think I might pen more if the situation strikes me. Like it said, for just getting started, it wasn't bad. Of course it will need refinement and flushing out of the personalities, but that is something you can work on later too... The main thing is to write the story that is burning to be released. Get it out and on paper or computer. Just write. Write, write, write. Once you're done writing, you'll have plenty of time for refinement. Good luck! I like where it's going. |
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Post by laurelin on Mar 1, 2005 21:15:28 GMT -5
It definitely has personality. I found I wanted to know more as I read it. It moves very quickly, though, so much that there's not much time to absorb everything that happens. I think mostly you need to slow down, maybe mention Lya earlier and give more background while he's running toward the tower. That would build some suspense as well as Jonkin's character and hint at a larger world.
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amodman
Mabinog
[M:395]
The Nightcrawler
Posts: 226
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Post by amodman on Mar 1, 2005 21:18:20 GMT -5
It definitely has personality. I found I wanted to know more as I read it. It moves very quickly, though, so much that there's not much time to absorb everything that happens. I think mostly you need to slow down, maybe mention Lya earlier and give more background while he's running toward the tower. That would build some suspense as well as Jonkin's character and hint at a larger world. Hah, that was actually sort of the point. I was in the mood for a fast paced short story I could drop into seemingly any world and flesh out into almost anything if I so desired . I was surprised no one had mentioned the pace of it as yet, as the whole thing seemed to move along as an 'action sequence' to me. |
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You have come good commentary, a nice story base and the personalities are believable as well...
Twyrch /|\
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